GIVING AND RECEIVING
FEEDBACK
A compliment is an expression of praise to others. You have been asked to compliment participants
at church services. If you approach
members who speak or perform and genuinely compliment them for a job well done,
you will quickly endear yourself in the Ward or Branch. This works with investigators and in all people
you meet in life as well. Criticism is
unfavorable, severe judgment and involves tearing down. “Taking the lead” involves one in authority
instructing and directing how something must happen. Complimenting, criticizing and taking the
lead are not the same as giving and receiving feedback.
Your Giving feedback must be directed personally
toward someone The primary ingredient is
you being personally accountability for your own feelings as you give feedback.
Feedback can be negative or positive. Positive feedback is about the same as a
compliment. Negative feedback is
virtually a waste of time if you do not first ask the recipient, “Are you open
for feedback?” People will deflect your
comments, become defensive and take offense if they have not first opened the
door with permission for you to spout off.
Many times others do not want you solving their problem but are really
only interested in you listening to and understanding their problems and
understanding how they feel.
You only have authority to talk about yourself. Therefore, expressions such as, “My
experience when you did that was____”, or “I may be wrong but when you said____,
I had the impression others reacted____”, or “How I felt when you said____ was____.”
This is what is meant by being personally accountable for your own feelings. With these types of statements, you are not
condemning, accusing or rendering judgment.
You are not telling them or advising them how to solve things but you
are owning and expressing your own feelings, thoughts, and impressions. You are not even stating that you are right
or are campaigning for your point. You
honor their accountability to assess and correct where they chose.
When God commanded Nephi to build a ship, Laman and Lemuel
were happy for Nephi’s sorrow because of their hard hearts. Nephi offered strong feedback but it is
evident he stayed accountable for himself and compassionate with his actions:
“44 …ye also have sought
to take away [Lehi’s] life; wherefore, ye are murderers in your hearts ...
45 Ye
are swift to
do iniquity but slow to remember the Lord your God. Ye have seen an angel,
and he spake unto you; yea, ye have heard his voice from time to time; and he
hath spoken unto you in a still small voice, but ye were past feeling,
that ye could not feel his words…
47 Behold,
my soul is rent with anguish because of you, and my heart is pained; I fear lest
ye shall be cast off forever. (1 Nephi
17: 44-47)
Like Nephi, as you give feedback never condemn, name call or
bring up past offenses. That is called criticism and can be quickly spotted if
you say, “You are____” or “You always do____.”
Your Receiving feedback also has the primary
ingredient of personal accountability for your own feelings as you receive
feedback. Be open, unemotional, listen without
taking offense and do not become defensive.
If you start thinking about what to say to refute the things the person
is saying to you, you are defensive and the benefits of feedback are lost. Who cares what they say, it is only their experience
from the lenses they are looking through?
Listen to it and learn.
One of the great scriptural accounts of properly receiving
feedback is Pahoran’s response to Captain Moroni’s letter. You clearly see
Pahoran’s spirit of accountability and openness:
“9 And now, in your epistle
you have censured me,
but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your
heart…” (Alma 61:9)
Receiving feedback gives you information about how you come
across. Remember, receiving praise or compliments is nice but you cannot really
do anything with it to improve. But,
feedback is information you can use to improve your performance in the future. You are free to accept or reject information
obtained by feedback. If various people
give you the same negative feedback, you can be reasonably sure that changing
your behavior will improve the results you create in your life. You are free to ignore any feedback. If someone gives you feedback that you have
never heard before, that is way out there, you are free to simply ignore it and
consider it an outlier, a faulty data point that should be thrown out.
In receiving feedback, always respect those who are willing
to and take the risk of giving feedback.
Regardless of what you hear, stating, “Thank you for caring enough to be
honest,” is a great closing statement and mind set. Remember you invited them to risk a personal
relationship by giving you honest feedback.
Many people giving feedback may not be polished in the art of properly
doing it, so learn to look past their faults while still getting the value from
the feedback.
When you are personally accountable in receiving feedback
you will hear it, own it, recognize how it makes you feel, chose to make or not
to make adjustments then step left and move on.
Feedback is not a threat or critique. Always ask yourself, “What am I doing to
create the results I am experiencing in my life?” After all, you are responsible for all the
results in your life.
The Lord has told us what he expects of our behavior in
giving and receiving feedback. Nephi and
Pahoran are good examples of meeting the Lord’s expectations. We are not to rule with dominion or compulsion
with our will on others.
“39 We have learned by sad
experience that it is the nature and
disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority,
as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion.
41 No power or
influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood,
only by persuasion,
by long-suffering,
by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned…
46 … thy dominion shall
be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto
thee forever and ever.” (DC 121: 39-42,
46)
Although God chose Nephi to rule over his brothers, Nephi
still gave feedback in a compassionate way without compulsory means:
“22 And inasmuch as thou shalt
keep my commandments, thou shalt be made a ruler and
a teacher over thy brethren. (1 Nephi 2:22)
3 … ye also know that an angel hath
spoken unto you; wherefore can ye doubt?
Let us go up; the Lord is able to deliver us,
even as our fathers, and to destroy Laban, even as the Egyptians.” (1 Nephi
4:3)
The mission and the world’s work place are demanding leaders
with ability get along, improve their results and help others improve. Developing the ability to give and receive
feedback is an essential quality for success on your mission and if you learn
it here it will bring success to you in the world.
President Robinson
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